Tom Waits Quoted

One of my VERY favorite artists is Mr. Tom Waits. I say artist because he is a musician, poet, singer, songwriter and playwright amongst other things. If you have ever seen or heard any of his live performances you will most definitely catch his humerus bantering and creative story telling. A great example is his VH1 Storyteller's session. His words, phrases and comparisons might be silly and nonsensical, but that's what makes him Tom Waits.

I have compiled a number of his goofy/philosophical/off the wall quotes and want to share them with you. Enjoy.

The Quotes:

• "There ain't no devil, there's just god when he's drunk."


• "There's a place down the street; Seven X's. What does that mean? Maybe it's... girls without skin."


• "It ain't no sin to take off your skin, and dance around in your bones."


• "All the donuts have names that sound like prostitutes."


• "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."


• "I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink."


• "I knew him when he was nothing and he hasn't changed a bit."


• "...it seems a stray bullet actually pierced the testicle of a Union soldier and lodged itself in the ovaries of a woman standing approximately 100 ft. away. She's alright, the baby's doing fine...of course the soldier's a little pissed off..."


• "...You end up taking advantage of yourself. There ain't no way around that."


• "I'm so goddamn horny the crack of dawn better watch itself around me."


• "Coleen's belly was shakin' like jelly And I'm gettin' harder than Chinese algebra."


• "Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own..."


• "And i'm glad that you're gone, but i wish to the lord that you'd come home."


• "I'm not weird about it or anything (Masturbating in this instance). I don't tie myself up first or anything."


• "Let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair" Deal out jacks are better on a blanket by the stairs, I'd tell you all my secrets but I'll lie about my past, So send me off to bed forevermore."


• "Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead."


• "I want to thank you all for being here tonight; it'd be mighty strange here tonight if nobody showed up."


• "Wake me up in my dreams."


• "It takes much more than just wild courage Or you'll hit just the tattered clouds you must have just the right bullets And the first one's always free."


• "The sky turned black and bruised and we had months of heavy rain."


• "If you've lost all hope/If you've lost all your faith I know you can be cared for/I know you can be safe And all of the shamefuls/And all of the whores And even the soldier who pierced the side of the Lord Is down there by the train."


• "Broken umbrellas like dead birds; steam comes out of the grill like the whole God-damn town is ready to blow."


• "...If you want a taste of madness, you'll have to wait in line. You'll probably see someone you know on Heartattack and Vine."


• "And the moon's teeth-marks are on the sky, Like a tarp thrown all over this."


• "The cat'll sleep in the mailbox and we'll never go to town, till we bury every dream in the cold cold ground."


• "Crawlin' down Cahuenga on a broken set of legs..."


• "And it is such a sad old feeling, All the fields are soft and green. And it's memories that I'm stealing, But you're innocent when you dream."


• "The piano is fire wood, Times Square is a dream."


• "Won't you tell me, brave captain why are the wicked, so strong, how can the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves his porch light on."


• "I know a girl, she been married so many times, she got rice marks all over her face."


• "Well, I don't mind working cause I used to be jerking off most of the time, in bars."


• "I lost my St. Christopher now that I've kissed her."


• "I'm reliable sources, I'll tell ya anything you want me to know."


• "My friends think I'm ugly, I gotta masculine face."


• "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."


• "And when they pulled her from the wreck, you know she still had on her shades."


• "It's harder to get rid of than tattoos."


• "I don't need no make-up, i got real scars, i got hair on my chest, i look good without a shirt."


• "'Cause there's nothin' strange About an axe with bloodstains in the barn. There's always some killin' You got to do around the farm."


• "There's nothing wrong with her that a hundred Dollar's can't fix."


• "... while making feet for children's shoes ..."


• "They take apart their nightmares and they leave 'em by the door."


• "They all come from nice families, but somewhere along the line they picked up ways that just aren't RIGHT."


• "and the things you can't remember tell the things you can't forget that history puts a saint in every dream."


• "You can tell me that it's gospel but I know that it's only church."


• "Matilda asks the sailors `are those dreams or are those prayers?'"


• "I've got a bottle for a trumpet, a hatbox for a drum..."


• "The Moon ain't romantic. It's intimidating as Hell."


• "I did my time in the jail of your arms."


• "And I floated down stream on an old dead tree."


• "Cross my wooden leg, swear on my glass eye."


• "Dig your fingers in the ground. Toss and heave the world around."


• "She was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer."


• "And the earth died screaming As I lay dreaming."


• "It's new, it's improved, it's old fashioned."


• "The moon was sharp enough to draw blood from a stone."


• "One look in his eyes... and everyone denies... ever having met him."


• "Even jesus wanted just a little more time, when he was walkin' Spanish down the hall."


• "The rooms, they smell like diesel, and you take on the dreams of the ones that have slept there."


• "I'll take a rusty nail, scratch your initials in my arm..."


• "I thought I heard a saxophone, I'm drunk on the moon."


• "Romeo is bleeding, but not so as you'd notice."


• "Broadway's like a serpent spewing shiny top-down cars."


• "I stay in a place called 'Rooms'... There's a whole chain of them."


• "I've lost my equilibrium, my car keys and my pride."


• "It's hard to believe that the same moon shining down on this Chinatown fair could shine down on Illinois and find you there... I love you baby."


• "Tom do this, Tom do that, Tom...don't do that."


• "I'm gonna make like a bakery delivery truck and haul buns."


• "I'll ride upon a field mouse, I was dancin' in the slaughterhouse."


• "I'd like to go drowning, but the ocean doesn't want me today."


• "The monkey rode a blade on an overhead fan."


• "Will you sell me one of those if I shave my head."


• "Well I fell in love with a Gun Street Girl!"


• "Blew a hole in the hood of a yellow Corvette."


• "...Well I hear that it pays well. How do your pistol and your Bible and your sleeping pills go?"


• "Well pale face said to the eyeball kid She just goes clank and boom and steam."